


I’ll Be There

by East02End



Category: Ballum, EastEnders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29581122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/East02End/pseuds/East02End
Summary: *There was nowhere left for them to walk without one of them fully and properly leaving from their natural path. Neither felt quite ready to make that potentially change yet. They’d have to go their separate ways eventually.“I found one of your jackets in my office this morning...” Callum whispered. “You’d left it there, the red one, I just sat there and cried. I couldn’t get ahold of myself...”He remembered how he had sat, curled into a ball, face pressed against his knees. His entire body had trembled and shook with his tears, Ben’s jacket clutched to his chest.*
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 14
Kudos: 26





	I’ll Be There

Don’t think about him. Don’t think about him. Don’t think about him.

That was all that Callum could think during his hasty escape from work. It was his only defense against his racing heart and scattered mind. He’d only cry again.

“Ehem” A throat cleared behind him and he turned around so fast that he heard his neck crack slightly. And of course, it was him.

“Ben,” Callum tried not to sound as breathless as he truly was. As breathless as Ben made him.

“Cal,” he replied, not moving any closer but with his eyes boring into him. “I was wondering if I could walk with you?” 

Callum could only stare and gape for a moment before he regained his wits.

“Wait do you mean ‘walk with me’ walk with me?”

“I can mean whatever you’d prefer I just know the walk will be far more enjoyable with you than on my own.” 

Callum’s heart was in his throat, he still didn’t know if this was a proper walking home together or what would happen after. But he did know that he was right. The walk would be nicer to take together even it was just for a few moments with him again. 

“Okay,” Callum finally replied meekly and tried not to think of poor Lexi. If she knew Callum had saw Ben again she’d be devastated he never saw her. 

For years now there was nothing. Callum was cross with Ben but there was tragedy and every time he looked deeply at his eyes all he saw was sorrow. But today was different. Ben looked lighter, happier. He paid attention to it, had to see how he was and now he was here. The results were admittedly astonishing. 

When Ben looked away from him, he was just Ben, kind and chivalrous, but when he looked at Callum, he was everything, with all of his natural sparkle, plus something else. Weirdly enough when Ben looked at him he felt the same. As if he was still himself, still Callum as he’d always been, but without Ben in his life anymore. Callum inhaled deeply, reminding himself that Ben was here now.

And that was how he felt walking beside him now too.

“So,” Ben said with some hesitation after they had been walking a moment. “Was work okay today?” 

Callum wanted to tell him the truth, yes, of course, it had been his dream to be a police officer for so long, but he never imagined he’d have the chance to do it properly. All the promotions and happier times, Ben should have been there, but he just... wasn’t?

Callum felt unsure of sharing that much of the truth. He settled on a partial admission, “It was alright, but not what I had expected.”

“Really? What were your expectations?”

Callum glanced down at Ben lacing their hands together, holding back his tears. He hadn’t done this for so long and it made his heart ache at how much he missed it. And there it was, Ben, lightly stroking his thumb across the back of his hand. Knowing just how to calm him. 

“Dunno, it’s not the same without you here.”

Callum turned his gaze to the sky as he spoke until he remembered that Ben would have to go soon and looked back at him again. “Sorry, you must think I’m stupid. I know what you’ll say, I need to carry on without you.”

“Not at all,” Ben smiled and nudged his shoulder with his. “Never. You’ve worked so hard for this and I want you to do well, with or without me. You know, I’ll always love you.”

Callum forced a weak smile and felt his gaze on him. “I don’t know if I’m any good at this.” He whispered. 

“Your amazing.” Ben nodded. “Truly, Cal,” He stopped walking to look at Callum properly for a moment. “You are a wonderful person and they are lucky to have you.” He seemed genuinely pleased to hear Ben’s praise, “but you did make an utter mess of the office earlier.” 

His face fell for a moment until Callum saw the twinkle in his eye. 

“Your gonna have tough days.” Ben whispered to him. “But I’ll always be in here.”

Callum looked at Ben, one hand pressed against his heart, a small tear slipping down his face. 

“I miss you so much, Ben...”

“I know you do.” Ben reached up, wiping another tear from his cheek. “But I’ll see you soon enough,”

Callum was shocked for a moment, but recovered to say, “How soon??”

“Not properly. I want you to be as happy as you can be for as long as possible. But I will still be with you, forever. No matter where we both are.”

“Thought you’d say that...” Callum whispered. 

“I know, but you promised me you’ll look after Lex for me. She needs you. How is she?”

“Okay as she can be I suppose. Think she’s coping better than me to be honest.”

“You’ll get there. Your strong. Tell her I love her and miss her, won’t you?”

Callum nodded, before shaking his head. “I don’t think I ever will cope without you, Ben? I don’t know what to do without you? I don’t know how to survive.”

Ben stopped again, pulling Callum to him as he choked out a sob, burying his head in Ben’s neck, letting his tears fall. “I can’t do this without you, Ben!”

“You can, you can...” Ben whispered, rubbing gently down his back. “I’m sorry, I had to go. If there was a way, you know I’d never leave you.”

Callum cried into him, even harder, trying to remember what he smelt like. He smelt exactly the same. A deep earthy scent and the smell of his aftershave he always wore. Exactly how he remembered. 

“I’m sorry...” Ben whispered again. 

Callum roughly dried his eyes, pulling away and looking at Ben’s eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, you were sick. I just miss you so much.”

They both smiled at one another and then continued the journey in silence for a time. Callum couldn’t deny that he was desperate for an excuse to touch him again. His hands still felt like they were sparking from the contact with his, but it was no use. 

“Can you remember the time, the car broke and you walked all the way to work, before realising you weren’t in that day?” Ben inquired. 

Callum gave the smallest laugh, Ben smiling widely at that. Now that he’d acknowledged Callum’s laughter again, he felt complete again. 

Ben walked along with him, still watching Callum with a bemused face. 

“Course I do. You thought I’d gone crazy when I came back, insisting I was working that day.” 

“Maybe not crazy?” Ben grinned. “Besides you got me up early for nothing??”

“You sulked for ages after?!”

“Yeah...” Ben whispered, remembering the two of them together. “How come you walk this way now? What about the car?”

They neared the clearing of the trees, and Ben still watched him waiting for an answer when in his distraction he lost his footing, tripping over a fallen tree limb.

Callum quickly reached out to grab his arm and prevent him from falling to the ground. They both paused for a moment after he righted himself. Callum still held Ben’s arm and both found they could not look away from the other's eyes.

“You always were a clumsy oaf.” Callum smiled.

“Hey?” Ben smiled, sighing at Callum’s watering eyes again. Ben saw the devastated expression on his face and immediately tried to cheer him slightly. 

“Come on, don’t turn it into a bad thing? They were good times??”

“Everything’s bad now your gone...”

“You’ve still got Lex? She’ll keep you on your toes?” Ben smiled. “And you’ve got to make sure she’s happy too. She’s gonna grow up to be a beautiful young woman, I know you’ll do an amazing job.”

“She hasn’t got her Dad though, has she?”

“She’s got you. Your her dad too. That’s all that matters now...”

“You mattered... You still matter?”

“Promise me, you’ll try and be happy, even if you aren’t now?”

Finally, in control of himself, Callum resumed his walking, Ben quickly falling into step by his side. “That’s all I want.” 

“Maybe.” Callum whispered hesitantly. “I’ll try for you, but I don’t know if I can without you, Ben?” 

“You can. As long as you look after yourself for now?”

“I will.” Callum whispered. He tried to smile and tried to find his words and focus once more. “Well, your Mum has been trying to look after me. Don’t think I’ve been the best person to be around right now.”

“She loves you too. Everyone does. I mean who couldn’t, eh?” Ben grinned. 

“It ent the same without your clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor?” Callum smiled weakly. 

Ben’s eyebrows raised at that comment. “I think you’ll find you were either chucking them haphazardly in the wardrobe or ripping em off me and onto the floor?? Not my fault?”

“So it’s my fault?” Callum grinned.

“Not that I complained.” Ben shrugged, but he thought it best not to speak of that anymore at this particular moment. “Has Lexi been doing okay at school?”

Luckily, Callum didn’t seem to notice the change in subject.

“Yeah, she’s good. She had to do this project thingy for school, she wouldn’t let me help? Said I’d destroy it?”

“That doesn’t surprise me in the least, you literally made a volcano for her once and somehow managed to stick the wrong things inside and make it physically explode in the living room?” Ben said with a chuckle. 

Callum looked at him both amused and astonished.

“Well, I hope you know that you include yourself in that?” He said. “What about the time when you burnt her biscuits she was going to give round at school for someone’s birthday?”

“Good job, I bought some from the shop and passed them off as hers. Everyone would have died of food poisoning?”

“From a cookie?”

“Knowing me, yeah?” Ben grinned. 

“Because I have never met a more complicated and confusing person than you Ben Mitchell.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Callum’s heart ached again. 

“Believe me, the same could be said for you, Callum Highway.” Ben smiled. 

Callum looked at Ben, and was rewarded with a positively fond, endearing expression on his face.

“I love you.” Callum whispered. 

“Not as much I love you?” Ben smiled. “You never did tell me why you walk this way?”

“Dunno really, I just like to be on my own sometimes. I’d rather walk instead of drive now. Just thinking about you?”

“I miss you too, you know?” Ben whispered. 

“Good, you better.” Callum grinned. 

“I’ve missed your smile...”

“You think? I miss everything. You, us, me and you?”

“They’re the same, but-“ Ben grinned. 

Callum rolled his eyes, squeezing Ben’s hand. 

“I do...”

“Promise me?” Ben said again. “I need you to tell me your gonna be okay...”

“I never will be without you, Ben?”

“I need you to to tell me that you’ll live your life without me. That you’ll be happy one day. You and Lex will be okay together.”

Ben stopped walking, turning to face Callum, searching his eyes. 

“I can’t...” Callum choked out, realising they were nearly home. 

There was nowhere left for them to walk without one of them fully and properly leaving from their natural path. Neither felt quite ready to make that potentially change yet. They’d have to go their separate ways eventually. 

Ben’s face suddenly grew somber and his eyes became misty. He swallowed thickly and Callum felt his stomach rising into his chest. 

“I found one of your jackets in my office this morning...” Callum whispered. “You’d left it there, the red one, I just sat there and cried. I couldn’t get ahold of myself...”

He remembered how he had sat, curled into a ball, face pressed against his knees. His entire body had trembled and shook with his tears, Ben’s jacket clutched to his chest. 

Ben reached up, gently holding the sides of Callum’s face. His fingers were deathly cold against his cheek and he had looked up making sure Ben was still there. He was there, clear as day.

“Hey, you’re allowed to move on.” he whispered. “Because I’ll be here, even if you decide to get rid of my favourite jacket.”

He had let go of Callum’s face and had wrapped him in a tight hug. 

“I never will.” Callum whispered back. He longed to rest his body against Ben’s, listen to the faintest sound of a beating heart.

Any trace that Ben was still alive.

“Even if you go out on my birthday this year instead of staying at home letting all of life’s moments pass by.”

“I couldn’t last year...” 

“You don’t have to cry.” Ben carried on whispering to him gently. “Because I’ll be here when you start going back to places we went to together, when you take off my ring and you let yourself smile. When you meet someone handsome and patient and true-“

“I won’t! I just want you back, Ben...”

“I know, I know. But you’ve got to listen to me. I’ll still be here, when he says that he wants to be married to you. When he meets you at the special place you have together. When you finally answer him yes.“

Callum kept shaking his head, but Ben wrapped his arms around the taller man, feeling him rest his chin against his head. He listened to him cry for a few seconds before pulling away and smiling up at him.

“Thank you, Cal,” he finally said. 

“What?” He sniffled. “What for?”

“I realised just now, thinking about you being you. You made me so happy. You always did and always will. I just want to make sure I’ll always be grateful for everything you did for me. Everything we did together. I might be gone, Cal. But you’ll always be home. This walk, has been the most I’ve smiled, the hardest I’ve laughed, the lightest I’ve felt since- well, you know since when, since it all happened.”

“You are my home.” Callum whispered. 

Ben gave him a heartfelt and gentle smile, “It was good to see you laugh again, Cal.” 

Ben let his hand rise up to lay on his cheek, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to both of them. 

They held each other’s gaze for a moment, and then, as if they’d planned it, both of them looked up towards the tree-tops just in time to catch a glimpse of a happy little songbird fluttering overhead and pausing in a moment of serenity before flitting away.

After a pause, Ben let out a soft sigh and said, “You’ll always have my heart.”

When Callum lowered his gaze, Ben was watching him with that same heavy and heartful look that he’d been catching in his eyes for the whole time he’d been here. 

Ben smiled and took a small step back. His hand slipped down his arm to catch in Callum’s grasp for just a moment, their fingers twined together, and they both looked down smiling at the vibrant sensation of connection. 

“I don’t want you to go...” Callum whispered. 

“I’ll always be in your heart too, forever. I promise. Today, tomorrow, for years, forever. You know you’ve got to move on eventually. I just needed to tell you that.”

“So I won’t see you again?”

“Not like this, no. But I’ll always be in here.” Ben held his hand over Callum’s heart again, smiling at him softly. “I guess, I could say see you tomorrow, Cal,” Ben said looking him in the eyes one last time. 

“See you tomorrow, Ben...” Callum echoed, knowing he wouldn’t. 

Ben let go of him, nodding slowly, letting him know it was alright. 

Callum squeezed his eyes his shut feeling Ben’s hand in his own, not wanting to ever let the feeling go. 

“I love you.” Ben whispered again. 

Callum opened his eyes to speak, but Ben was gone, unable to tell him back. 

He wiped away another tear, walking slowly the rest of the way back to the house, suddenly eerily quiet again, without Ben there to greet him. 

“How you doing, Love?”

Callum looked up, Kathy looking at him, full of concern. 

After the initial shock of it all, Callum caught a moment of peace and calm inside of him that he could not explain. “I’m okay.” He said after awhile. And he meant it. 

~*~

Ben had shocked him one day. He had grabbed his hand one day, in the middle of town.“"Hey, whatcha doing the rest of your life?” he asked. 

Callum smiled to himself, looking at the ring he still wore everyday. The ring was beautiful. A small simple golden band with the words “I love you” carved in gentle cursive. Tears had prickled his eyes as he continued. “Because I’ll be here. Right beside you as long as you want me to be.” he had smiled at him then, pressing his cold lips against his. 

Callum smiled back, a fresh wave of tears creeping out the corner of his eyes. “It’s taken so long but I’m ready to start. You’ll still be with me won’t you?”

Ben smiled even wider at that, wrapping him gently in a tight hug. 

“Don’t be daft Cal, you already know the answer.”

He lay his head against his chest and listened. Listened to his heart. Listened to Callum’s soft breathing.

Listened to Callum whisper “I love you too.” Finally able to tell him back.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn’t confuse you all :)


End file.
